


How the Mighty Have Fallen

by lemoninagin



Series: Informant Samba [3]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Juvenile Humor, Mystery, Smartassery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4655349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoninagin/pseuds/lemoninagin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tbh does anyone even feel sorry for Izaya</p>
            </blockquote>





	How the Mighty Have Fallen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Spoontasti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoontasti/gifts).



**Orihara Izaya, reborn!**

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

I am going to fucking kill you.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Well, and a nice hello to you, too. Did you enjoy your time away?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

I hate you.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I'm flattered. I thought you were reserving all of your hatred for a certain blonde debt collector? Careful now, if he finds out he might get jealous.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Don't you _dare_ bring up that vile protozoan's name right now. This is all your fault.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Care to elaborate?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

You know what you did.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Really, baseless accusations? This is rather unlike you, Yamcha [1]. Usually I reserve my services for information, but if you're paying me to vent then I suppose I can make an exception.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

So, what's on your mind? Does this perhaps have anything to do with the outlandish things you were saying to me the other day?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

I told you not to call me that...

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

That's rich coming from you. I think it's fair to say I've earned the right to call you whatever I please. So, what happened?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Like you don't know.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I'll humor you for a bit and say that I don't.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

You bastard! You know, if you had just told me the information that I was after in the first place, I wouldn't have had to...

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Wouldn't have had to what?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Don't make me say it.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

...good god. What did you _do_?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

You just think you're so smart, don't you?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I don't _think_ , I know I am. But I digress. You didn't actually...do what you said you were going to, did you?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

…

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You did. You really did it. You just had to know, didn't you? Don't you know about that saying with curiosity and cats?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Curiosity killed the cat, Yamcha.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

True, but it's also said that _satisfaction_ brought it back (｡・//ε//・｡)

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I'm...going to pretend I didn't read that.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Anyway, how are you even alive? I would have assumed an encounter like that would not have ended well, given Shizuo's aggressive nature.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

That's a pretty good question. I wonder...then again, you know it'd take a little more than just some rough sex to kill someone as amazing as myself.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

This again. Really, you expect me to believe that's what actually happened?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Hey, you asked!

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

To be fair, you came into my chat room being all moody first. You would have told me regardless.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

I said I was going to do it. One way or another.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I thought you were joking.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

But I told you, I don't joke~

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You do. You were wasting my time because you were bored. It's not that hard to tell. You get some sort of sick satisfaction out of making people uncomfortable.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

But then. You aren't joking now, huh? Your plan must have really backfired. Was it really that important to you?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

You wouldn't tell me. I was just doing the job you refused to do.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

And you were willing to _literally_ sleep with the enemy to do it? I must admit, that's dedication. Degrading, but dedication nonetheless. What made you change your mind?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

I didn't 'change my mind', I told you I was going to do it.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

So you have always wanted to sleep with Heiwajima Shizuo?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

What? Don't be gross. I didn't say that.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You fucked your enemy because of your unrelenting curiosity for the unknown. You have no room to be calling me gross. Plus, it's either one or the other. You either have always wanted to be screwed by the man, or you changed your mind after thinking about your prank for a while.

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Or...it could be both, if we're talking about repression here. I've always thought your constant talk of him is rather suspicious.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Ah, it's not like that~ Okay, so maybe I changed my mind.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Serves you right. Next time maybe you'll think before messing with someone who provides you with valuable information.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Oh, I like it when you scold me like that~! Kyaah, you're so right, Tsukumoya-sensei! I've been a naughty little boy (*¯ ³¯*)♡

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

If you're going to be crass again, you know I have no qualms about banning you for double the time you had before.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Yeesh! No need to get your panties in a bunch. You really are the jealous type, huh?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Perhaps. Though, I'm hardly jealous of someone who's so caught up in himself that he can't see the obvious when it's right underneath his nose.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Your ignorance is truly something to behold.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Yup, you're jealous. Ne, maybe if you finally show your face I'll let you join me and Shizu-chan sometime for some fun.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

...Do you ever even think before you speak? Or does bullshit just naturally flow out of you like that?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Well now that's just rude.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You also just insinuated you'd be willing to go back to Shizuo for more. Maybe you already have. That's an interesting development.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

By the way, how was it?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

An informant doesn't kiss and tell~

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You've already told me more than I have ever, ever needed to know and quite frankly, I don't need to be traumatized further by details. I meant, was it how you pictured it?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

 

Pervert. Was what how I pictured it?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Don't tell me you've forgotten about your original question.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

…!

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

You...forgot to get the actual measurements, didn't you?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Hilarious. You really are an interesting man, Orihara-san.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Are you still there?

 

**Orihara Izaya, confirmed dead!**

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

I'm guessing that was a yes then.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

Thus ends the titillating saga.

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

 

...I hope. Ah, well at least I trusted my gut instinct on not opening that video file from the anonymous user concerning Orihara that was sent to my inbox earlier. There are some images that end up leaving an imprint on data storage no matter how much you try to erase them.

 

 

♂♀

 

 

“FUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!”

_You...forgot to get the actual measurements, didn't you?_

How could Izaya have forgotten such a thing after everything that happened?! Over the past two days since the original encounter, the thought hadn't even crossed his mind! Not only that, but Shizuo had come over to fuck the ever loving shit out of him the night before for messing with his stuff, and he _still_ hadn't thought about it!

Yagiri Namie physically jumped out of her seat at the loud obscenity suddenly screamed from her boss.

“What the _hell_ is your problem? I'm trying to work here. ”

She glared over at him, but was slightly disturbed by the murderous look on the man's face. Standing up and shaking with rage, an unfamiliar glint shone in his red eyes. Namie was slightly taken aback by her usually level-headed boss.

“I'll...I'll kill him!”

Oh. He was going on about Heiwajima again. She rolled her eyes. 

Izaya curled his hands into tight fists and spat out, “I _swear_ I will find out where he lives one day and personally watch the life drain from his eyes while I wring his neck with my own bare hands!”

Namie laughed. “As if you could actually do such a thing.”

“Nobody asked for your opinion, wench!” Izaya turned and shot an accusatory finger in Namie's direction. She gaped at him.

“Excuse me, what did you just call me, you wretched little toad of a - "

“As much as I love our banter, Namie, I'm going to need you to cancel all my appointments for the day because I am going to Ikebukuro for a _VITALLY_ important matter!”

“ _What_? You have like five meetings today with different leaders of yakuza, what in the world could _possibly_ be more important?”

“No time to explain! You're free to do whatever you want afterwords - go home, fuck your brother, I don't care.”

Izaya threw on his coat and headed for the door. As he crossed the floor, Namie observed his movement was a bit less fluid than usual, his gait a little stiff and – was it just her imagination or was he _limping_?

As the door slammed loudly behind him, Namie shrugged.

“...To be honest, I really don't want to know.”

**Author's Note:**

> [1] Tsukumoya calls Izaya 'Orihara Yamcha' in the light novels. It's a nickname he gave him based on the prideful character Yamcha from Dragonball Z
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Shizuo ≥ Izaya ≥ Shizuo...However - Tsukumoya > Izaya. No exceptions.
> 
> Wow, so, I wrote this a while ago when I hadn't planned to keep continuing this nonsense, and I never realized how much of a cliffhanger I left it on. And since you all asked so nicely - YES I AM MAKING A SEQUEL TO THIS GARBAGE I HOPE YOU ALL ARE HAPPY. Why you all like the filth that I write so much, it's another of life's greatest mysteries, I suppose.
> 
> SO there _will_ be more sassy Tsukumoya, endearing Shizu-chan, and of course - jerkass Izaya. Plus, you will get answers to all of the open-ended mysteries ~ Shizuo wasn't nearly as gentle the second time around - why is that, you ask? Who sent Tsukumoya the last existing copy of the video of Izaya getting humiliated? Will Tsukumoya ever recover from his horrible trauma? Will Izaya's thirst for massive horsecock ever be completely quenched?? How big is Shizuo's huge dangus, exactly?!
> 
> Well, I guess you all will just have to wait to find out ;)


End file.
